In the Future...

Thanks For The Memories, We Moved.

Dear All -

Well, Blogspot has been awesome and all for these 4-ish years, but we have officially moved!

Check out The Mad Vortex here from now on!

Soldier Boy

"Then I'm going to give the old Gerry Kaiser the what-fer, and when I get back I'll be so strong, I'll be able to pull Nana's neck out of her collar bone again!"

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em.

Mabel knew how to work the stoner crowd really well, having shown up at the party as a working human hookah.

Livin' 'Neath The Law.

Jack McBrayer in Livin' 'Neath The Law: Episode 1 from Jack McBrayer

Again, because my love for Jack McBrayer is never-waning. (CALL ME, JACK! I'M SINGLE!)

BITE THE HEAD.

The kids had a great time eating popcorn, playing Monopoly, and polishing off a wholesome afternoon by trying to find the satanic undertones of Kenny's collection of Black Sabbath records.

Questions To Ponder.

Burial Site.

"A-yup. This is where ah put 'em. Dead as could be. Funny, you'd think I'd be queasy at the sight of so much Poly-Fil."
"No one blames you, Ricky. When they came to town, the townfolk all said they'd be trouble."
"We all knew the Cabbage Patch bred liars and thieves."

Confessions.

"I just went from six to midnight seeing you in this supple corduroy."

Bonne Année.

Happy New Year from the Mad Vortex! Here's to awkward poses and roses!

Crappy Things You Can Send To People You Hate.

Pondering.

It's true that after a while, dogs and their owners start to become alike. For instance, Woofie and Mildred were both total bitches.

Shroom Baby.

WTF is Phone Lady trying to tell me? thought Dougie, picking up the clock with a glassy-eyed stare. Is this a motherf***ing dream or what? I'm laying off the hard shit this year. Enfamil's gonna be the death of me.

Wink With Your Drink?

Heather and Matt smiled at each other, their little secret safely inside that thermos. Matt swore that everclear and Hawaiian Punch was the only way he could get through Social Studies, and Heather was inclined to agree.

Naughty Insinuations.

"Yes, the aroma does remind me of that..."

Peepshow.

With a wink and a naughty grin, as her cheeks puffed out a wiffy cloud of Lucky Strike smoke, Lorelai gave Percival a glimpse of the twin peaks of the Promised Land. The debutante ball WOULD bring a successful match, after all! Father was right!

Class of 1925: Ervin Weigle.

Did Wiggle ever gradually succeed as a milk dealer?

What Are Little Girls Made Of?

"You look so charming, Melinda."
"Thank you, Mother."
"Everyone will love you at school."
"Thank you, Mother."
"I am so lucky to have a little girl like you."
"Thrnk mmmrrp sdffsfffhsfrrnyyyrrrrp....."
"Ohhh shit. This model must have been defective."

Cult Leadership.

And as they mounted the summit, they smiled broadly. Yes, this would be the place. The perfect spot for a polygamous religious cult. They could envision the corrugated metal shacks, the charismatic mind control, the mandatory Bible lessons...God was good!

New Eye Tester.

Oatmeal.

"Selma? Selma? Come back...earth to Selma..."
"QUAAAKER OAAATS."

Bert Williams 1919 Riot.

How far we have come...and I'm not just talking player piano rolls and Victrolas.

The Moral of the Story.

"Now, look here. I told you smoking was bad for you for a good reason, and that's because I want you to stay the eff out of my Camels."

Things You Never Knew.

Farting is pretty complicated, yeah.

Fireplace.

Recipe: Blushing Biscuit Ring.

There's lots of everything in that one and a half pound can. Can you think of a better showcase for canned stew than tomato juice and Bisquick?

Compete.

"I'm just going to tell you this right now so you get it straight. In public, you refer to me as 'Angie,' not 'Mom.' We are going to be in constant competition for the affections of men until I kick the bucket, so you might as well get used to it. By the way, we're scheduled for a mother-daughter mani-pedi next Friday."

Behold!

The horrific vision appeared in a cloud of smoke, standing on a square of sod. In one hoof, it clutched the Hoop of Lust. In the other, the Hoop of Shame. In a third, the Hoop of Need. The rotting intestines of nonbelievers draped over its arms. According to prophecy, one chose from the three hoops in order to find their destiny...be they in the circus maximus of heaven, or on the precipice of the ultimate hellmouth.

Maxi.

"I never thought I'd find the day where I'd finally find the solution for hiding my hideously rippling cankles."

Will It Wear and Wear?

Will it wear and wear?
Will it like your underwear?
Will it tear and tear?
Will it growl just like a bear?