Friday, February 13, 2009

Secrets of the Loom

It has been said that secret societies are a key component in the New World Order, and the largest of all is The Society of the Woven Square. It is quite amazing how it can operate so openly, yet keep its secrets so well hidden, right down to the point of having Granny Square kimonos in almost every town and city across the western world. For the women who congregate at water fountains and in the local parks, it is clearly a convivial all-textile club, with the potential for making contacts and adorable miniskirts.

Belief in a supreme being is essential for initiates. That Supreme Being is referred to as the “Great Weaver of the Universe” and, outwardly at least, The Society of the Woven Square involves a strict moral code of fellowship and the donning of warm ponchos. The whole thing is based on rituals and ceremonies, which Squares clearly love - otherwise they wouldn’t get involved with it.

Add to that the feeling of being rather special because you have been let into some little esoteric secrets of the craft to which the rest of society (or the “profane” as non Squares are referred to by initiates) are not party, and it's no wonder that The Woven Squares has attracted so many.


Suzanne said...

Hail to the Great Weaver! BELIEVE

StripeyUnderpants said...

Looks like they're all wearing stained glass windows.

Also, wouldn't there be some competition from the Society of the Woven Stripes?

"Everyone knows that the Cosmic Weaver weaves STRIPES, not squares! Woven squares are signs of the devil!"

"Liars and heathens! The Great Weaver has given squares as his true, universal symbol! Ye shall die in your hard-heartedness!"

And so a great war was started, in which the clash of knitting needles was heard throughout the land, and there was a great wailing and gnashing of looms.

When the dust finally settled, it was agreed that it had all been a horrible cock-up, and that on the whole, the Great Weaver probably preferred double-knit polyester slacks. Why else would those damned things still be popular?