Why Bringing Back 80s Fashion Was A Stupid Idea

Dear Kids Born After 1985,
Stop. Please stop. The false nostalgia has to end immediately. I know the trend started with my age group, when we "discovered" the late 1960s and thought it would be cool to be a "hippie" because a lot of kids were smoking pot anyway, and then by college the kids were all pretending to be disco people and mixing the fashions all up with Austin Powers thinking it was one giant polyester heap of fashion hell, and then you had nothing left to feel all nostalgic about except the 1980s, which you don't remember anyway aside from "The Wedding Singer" (which didn't get it right anyway) and re-runs of John Hughes movies, and all of a sudden it got really cool to wear jelly shoes and leg warmers and side ponytails and 3-tiered skirts.
I was one of those losers in earnest, kids, and I feel the need to share my pain.
True story:
In 1984, when I was five years old, I was given a pair of legwarmers (not unlike these) by (I assume) one of my aunts. I did not understand how they operated. I, thinking they were socks, tried them on...and found, to my disappointment, that they were indeed NOT socks, but rather bulky things that looked even stupider than footie pyjamas and made you trip. They were uncomfortable in the way that wearing snow pants makes you feel like the Michelin man. I never wore them. Anywhere. Even as a Kindergartener, I had enough sense to realise that they were really stupid, although this innate sense disappeared by grade 5, when the slap bracelet made an appearance and left me with a rusty cut.

But I digress. As the 1980s progressed, it got stupider. I wore purple, opaque jelly shoes in 1986, which gave my feet massive blisters and allowed for scar-making opportunities left and right as I endlessly stubbed my toes. In 1987, I pinched my ears painfully wearing Selena's snap-together plastic earrings, which consisted mostly of clip-on plastic triangles with interchangeable designs. I had a 3-tiered jumper from K-Mart, circa 1988. It had peonies on it. It was not as ugly as the stonewashed 3-tiered jumper Julie wore in our 5th grade picture, thank heavens, but it was near enough. I did not have a side-pony tail, but I did have a mullet, and - for about a week in 1989 - I had a bonafide "rat tail" haircut, or "What Was Left Of A Mullet When You Cut Most Of It Except For This String Of Hair That Could Be Optionally Braided."

You don't remember any of this, do you? Well I have news for you, kids...THAT was what the 80s was really like. No one after 1983 was wearing the cool New Wave stuff you're trotting around now. No, the 1980s was nothing but blisters, rusty cuts, awful hair, fashions derived from acids being poured on them, high waists, turquoise sweaters with puffy sleeves and sheep on them, slouch socks, stirrups, knitted ties, tightrolled pants, and plastic jewellery. Do you REALLY want to be associated with that? Because it's really hard to concentrate on your schoolwork when you have tight pants riding up your asscrack.

Love,
The Girl Who Wears 1920s Clothes Instead