For Whom The Ma Bell Tolls.

"Oh, dammit. Who the hell could be calling me at this hour? Better not be that ungrateful wretch of a son I wish I'd never given the benefit of fresh air. Rosemary's baby, I call him. Nothing but a pain in the ass ever since I went into labor. I wonder if he knocked up that whore of his... Sally. That bitch. Do you know that I gave her a silk scarf for Secretary's Day and she didn't have the common courtesy... who the hell does she think she is? What is this, communist China? You're not entitled to any more than I am, no sir. No sirree. You listen to me, Sally. You and that 'special needs' mother of yours. 'Special' my ass. Tell her to get with the program! We all have problems. I have problems too. You don't see me whining about it. And that caretaker! Caretaker, you say? Damn right she's a taker! Take, take, take. I say he'd be better off with a clap-dripping streetwalker than that ignorant slut. And then last year, don't get me started about Thanksgiving. I said I don't eat cranberry sauce, you miserable dog... he better not have knocked her up. I swear to the good Lord himself, I will rip out that bastard child with my bare arthritic hands..."

[picks up receiver]

"Jack you son of a bitch, if she's pregnant you had better get on your knees and pr--"

"...Mrs. Clemons? This is Justine at Brookfield Elementary calling. Your son Jack has just been nominated by his third-grade teacher for the Outstanding Reader Awards and we wanted to congratulate you!"

"Oh, my, how wonderful!"