Dexy's Recess Runners

Bradley Wilson was the class apple polisher...got A's on every test, beloved by teachers schoolwide, won every spelling bee, made his mama proud. But how did he do it all? How DID he get all those good grades, through studying? Ritalin?
Well...close.
Bradley's desk was a veritable pharmacy when one opened the top. Every amphetamine on the market (and some exclusively on the black market) was in there, nestled amongst his math textbook and pencil sharpener. That kid was so f***ing wired 100% of the time, it's a miracle his little heart didn't explode - or at the very least, make him float like a goddamn hummingbird. But all in the name of success, right? How the hell else was Bradley to get into Harvard or Yale (second choice)? His parents had dictated his every academic move since conception...playing him Baby Einstein CDs every night as a zygote, making him watch Frontline as a motivation to get him potty trained...no, he WOULD make them proud.

Sure, the third grade was a bitch, but the bennys got him through, at least until social studies class.