Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!

Dear Great Pumpkin:
We were very good this year! We wore good costumes and stuff! Can you please leave some candy in an unmarked but hygenically-sealed bag and stick it in my mailbox? Good candy, not crap like Necco Wafers™ or Dubble Bubble™. Um, eww.
I can't speak for Dear Leader or the rest of the Syndicate, but I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups™. A LOT. So...yeah. Just leave me the cups and I'll make sure the others get some. (WINK.) I promise!

Anyway, how's it going? Do you like being the Great Pumpkin? Yo! I have a bone to pick with you. How come you disappointed the Peanuts gang, year after year? Linus cared SO MUCH IT HURT. I know you're busy and all, but come on - a freakin' Hershey™ bar would have been nice, he's just a kid.
And how come you were all like "yeah razorblades in apples are bad" so now trick-or-treating is like this huge federal health inspection and religious backlash and a parade of slutty costumes from Leg Avenue instead of what it was meant to be: mawing down like every Boyer Mallo Cup™ first so you can collect the points and then moving on to the peanut butter cups and then the Snickers™, then finishing off the feast with a Three Musketeers™? I mean, come on, that's what the TRUE spirit of Halloween™ is! That, and lots of toilet paper and dry corn.
So WTF gives, Great Pumpkin? You used to be my favourite holiday. Every year, my friends and I kick ass with goofy costumes. Headless horseman! Dragonball Z! Life Savers! Vyvyan from The Young Ones! Li'l Jon! The guy Ben Stiller played in The Royal Tennenbaums! So anyway, sorry about the rant, it just sucks that the goofy and creative holiday we remember has gotten so crappy. I wish you could fix it, but capitalism and outsourcing seem to have got you beat, Great Pumpkin.

I'm just going to blare Black Sabbath today and remember the good times. You know how you can fix all this, though? Start with making the Disney Channel™ disappear! That would be great!
Celia Pleete (from The Mad Vortex)


hrw115 said...

Damn! This story is almost as good as those spam messages I have been getting that say "Our boss has been fired!"

Jessica said...

Don't be so hard on the Great Pumpkin. Linus just didn't have a really sincer pumpkin patch. I blame Lucy for spoiling it by taking the best pumpkin from the patch each year. I'm sure the Great Pumpkin would have visited him if she hadn't.

The person I feel sad for is Charlie Brown... he only ever gets rocks at Halloween. I mean, come on. He'll chip a tooth if he tries to eat them! I thought his 8-eyed ghost was a very good idea and very spooky.

I do think that capitalism has taken over Halloween though... and Christmas, Easter, Columbus Day, and well, everything but Earth Day... why is that?