Friday, August 25, 2006

Pyjama, Pyjama In The Highest


Eli: ...And then my mother bought me these Christian pyjamas, and she made me and my little sister Rebekah wear them every night to ward off Satan and his minions. Every time someone tripped or when our mom's car got a flat or the price of gasoline rose we had to quote Scripture in tongues to ward off the devil, who she thought was causing all that to happen. And these pyjamas? They came with these little books about activities you can do in your bedroom, but not the stuff I was trying to do at night when everyone was asleep, you know? Mother said that the word "TRUTH" was strategically placed because God would KNOW. Rebekah and I weren't allowed to play normal games like Chutes and Ladders or Hide and Seek. Mother said the Devil was a serpent, which is a fancy word for snake, and hiding from others meant hiding from THE LORD. We had to play Christian Soldiers instead and we'd flash our "faith shields" at those heathen statue-worshipping Catholic kids up the street. Rebekah had these dolls that were supposed to double as our spiritual guides, which didn't do much good when we were getting wedgies in the locker rooms. In college I got this job in Orlando at this theme park called The Holy Land Experience. I played Lazarus most weekdays except Wednesday afternoons, and after a while I developed this phobia. I don't know what it's called, but I'm real scared of beards now. But just full beards, not Van Dykes or soul patches. It's taken a lifetime of healing. I'm off smack and blow for good, but boy, rehab was a bitch. Rebekah's in A.A. She had it a lot worse - she's taking it day by day. She is terrified of anything that covers her head."

Dr. Deere, (Psy.D.): Mmm-hmmm.

1 comment:

Lois said...

There's a couple of well-adjusted kids heading into the future. "Honey, just wear this MAGICAL GOD ARMOR. It will protect you from bad grades, bullies, and the registered sex offender who just moved in down the street."